Swing Shaving

Some Days

2009-11-26T00:40:00.000-06:00

Poly isn’t all it’s cracked up to be...

Continuing and Flourishing

2009-11-08T23:28:00.000-06:00

So life moves on. There are new people in my life. Hermosa is still around in a sort of way. Despite the heartache of a few months ago, life is good now.

Actually, I’m kind surprised by this. Not that it’s happened, just that it’s happened this soon. I was reading over my most recent posts, and their only 2 months old. I guess I just expected recovery to take longer.

Anyway, there are new meaningful people to me that need names. I’ll have to think on that, but for the time being, I’ll just tell you about them.

One, is my new love. She lives in a nearby city so I don’t get to see her as often as I like, but I won’t let that stand in the way. She is married and she and her husband are poly. This has made us a match made in heaven, if heaven had an express bus between our two cities, at least. We understand one another’s perspective in an amazing way. We do have an age difference that we use to much comedic expense (insert cougar joke here), but we share similar lives in so many ways (including professional) that the age difference doesn’t even register. I’m blessed to have someone to share with that truly understands. Even if we weren’t lovers, I think we’d be amazing friends, which is why I guess we make such a great pair when we’re together.

Second is a new friend with benefits. She lives here in town. She’s from the midwest and shares a different religious background than I have, so we have lots of interesting perspectives to share with one another. We’ve only been hanging out together for about three weeks, but the more I know her, the more I like her. I don’t see this one turning into a love kind of thing (although one never should try to second guess the heart) but I do so enjoy her company.

I’ve decided to put a cap on my seeking new relationships for the time being. Between the holidays coming up and just needing to create some stability, I need to let things settle for a while.

Nerys and I had some rough times for a few weeks as things were changing. She begged me to slow things down so she could have some coping time. It’s funny in a way, she, of course, doesn’t want to live life without Tauro, but at the same time wishes I didn’t have others to give my attention to. I understand despite the uneven nature on the surface. Insecurities are difficult to deal with in normal situations, and our situation is anything but normal.

But now that things have settled down, we’ve moved into a better place and are sustaining it well. I feel the best I’ve felt in months, and I’m thankful. Love and passion from many sources, that’s the wonder of the poly life!

But Why?

2009-09-03T23:20:00.004-05:00

There was a day where it all broke for me. Last week sometime. When I say it, I mean all the negative feelings I was feeling about Hermosa and the whole situation. Here is the reason why:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I saw this printed out and taped to a young child’s binder. It’s biblical, if you don’t know it. 1st Corinthians 13. I’m agnostic when it comes to faith, but this has kind of always been one of my guiding ideas. I haven’t always been agnostic, that’s recent skepticism. I hadn’t seen the verses in print in quite a while. The part about keeping no record of wrongs is what got to me. In my mind I’d been calculating all kinds of stats about how bad I’d been hurt. But true love doesn’t do that, so it all broke when I read it.

I guess I just felt like this needed to be on here somewhere.

Counting Chickens

2009-09-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, so maybe not. Hermosa contacted me today. It appears S just wants to be friends. I don’t know what this really means in the long run, but the fact she came to me at least lets me know that our relationship was real. Strangely enough, that’s created a huge amount of relief.

But now comes the scary part. We’ll get back in contact. But what do I do? It’s not like I stopped loving her. At the same time I’ve been completely crushed. I feel like a complete wimp for even contemplating taking her back. But realistically, I’m not sure I’d tell her no. Of course that’s even if she wants to go back to what we were.

I have learned one thing, she and I have some basic compatibility issues. The most significant of which being that I’m poly, and she isn’t. I’m thinking that’s really a deal breaker when it comes to us being lovers like we were before.

At the same time, could we be friends with benefits? I’m not sure she can do that, either. Of course, for me it wouldn’t really be friends, since I will always love her, but from a time and commitment perspective I could make a more friends kind of relationship work. But sex is a big deal for her. She’s never had more than one sexual partner at a time, and I’m not sure she can or even wants to try. I’ve also learned that poly really isn’t for everyone.

Of course, part of me wonders if even friends would work considering our history. Can you be just friends, still talk like you used to about all the important things and not feel that emotional tug that wants to put you back in total NRE? I’m thinking that NRE with her is pretty much completely broken for me now, so perhaps that’s not an issue and we could be friends. At the same time, she avoids uncomfortable conversations, so I don’t know. We don’t have much in common when it comes to idle chit-chat.

NRE between Nerys and I broke after a couple of big fights. But there’s something new that grows there. It’s more rational, but deeper too. It’s an emotion based in reality rather than giddyness. I guess I’m starting to learn about that from a better perspective. Well, I hope to. When it comes right down to it, the only relationship I’ve ever had get past NRE is the one with Nerys, so maybe this is my chance to find out. Only time will tell...

Loss

2009-08-23T22:43:00.000-05:00

It’s truly over, Hermosa is gone. I’m suffering a heartache that was only matched by letting Nerys go, and that was with the security that Nerys wasn’t really leaving. It’s much harder to let go than I ever imagined it would be.

Hermosa and I have shared some pretty hurt feelings over everything. We don’t see eye to eye on how it’s all been handled. I’ve been very angry about that, but I’ve let most of that go now. Now I just miss her. Tomorrow is a special day for me, and we would have probably spent it together since Nerys has to work, but now I will be more or less alone. How pathetic is that for a polyamorous man?

I’m sitting here reading online articles on how to get over someone you love. Sometimes the internet is pretty useless. I’ve read all the books, done the self-help and professional help thing, but that doesn’t make you miss someone that’s been special for you for a long time any less.

I think I’ve mentioned that Nerys and I aren’t swinging any more. If not, well, we aren’t. She confessed to me that she didn’t really like it in the first place and had sex with people that she didn’t want to just to please me. It’s an old topic now and we’re past it, although I’m ashamed she did that, even for me. I don’t even want her to have sex with me unless she wants to, so it really bothers me she did with others. But it’s past now.

I only bring it up because I named the blog Swing Shaving because we were primarily swingers at the time. Now we’re not really into that, and are practicing polyamory. So that’s going to be where most of my ideas come from.

So I’m feeling pretty pathetic being a polyamorous guy with some friends that are very loving, and still lonely as can be. That seems wrong and anti poly in a way. You’d figure that if anyone could always have love and support around them, it’s a polyamorous person. I’m here to testify it doesn’t work that way. It’s a reality that disturbs me, even though I know it won’t last. It’s not that the support isn’t there, it’s that you can’t feel it when you’re hurting and missing someone that used to be part of that support.

I’m also happy Hermosa has found someone. Compersion strikes again. I’m sad I’m missing someone, but happy that same someone has found some happiness. Maybe even happiness that will last for them, since I was but a temporary, if meaningful, companion. Again, the realities of dating a monogamist strike home.

I have noticed that I tend to only write when I hurt. The internet seems to be filled with that. People that let their hurt go by making it public are everywhere. I guess it’s therapeutic in it’s own way. I know it is for me. Part of the ever changing human story. So, I share my pain, and look forward to brighter days. And again vow to write more often, and hopefully of happier ideas.

Lessons

2009-08-10T23:49:00.000-05:00

So I’m learning a new lesson in emotional pain. I believe Hermosa is leaving me. She hasn’t said so, but I see it coming. It’s in her body language and her written language. No more telling me she loves me. No more terms of endearment.

She’s met another man. I’ll call him S just to have a name. I don’t have a problem with her meeting and liking S except that Hermosa is a monogamist. I’ve never really understood the consequences of this until now. Quite frankly, I don’t think she loves me any more. Or, if she does, she can’t say it any more. Perhaps it’s her sense of morality that prevents her, I don’t know. It’s the best I can come up with considering that I’m not monogamous. Perhaps a monogamist can really only love one person at a time.

Either way, I have a new level of emotional pain. In all the grief that Nerys and I have suffered, I never once felt unloved. I felt hated, despised, hurtful and many other painful emotional feelings, but all of them are a result of love. You can’t feel one without the other. If you don’t love, you can’t hate, at least not like this.

But I now know what it feels like to become unloved. And quite frankly, it’s tearing me to shreds.

I never really expected this. I expected that Hermosa might find another guy and leave me for him. But I always expected it to be a leaving of love. The, “I love you but I must go now.” kind of thing. That would make sense to me. But to stop loving me to start caring for S? I don’t understand. How can you just stop loving somebody even if someone else comes around?

In my contemplations about this, I’ve realized something about myself. I’ve never stopped loving anyone I ever loved. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had that I truly loved, all my closest friends, my family members, every single person I’ve ever cared about enough to call it love still has a spark in me, a fire for them that can be brightened just by seeing them or thinking about them. I don’t know how to fall out of love.

I don’t know if this is a litmus test for poly folk. Perhaps if you did a survey amongst them, they might say the same thing. I think a lot of people bury feelings because they aren’t supposed to have them and poly folk don’t have the same restrictions. Maybe polys keep their flames alive. I was reading an article today about a poly couple that divorced. The article was written by the female half of this pair. Her ex did some pretty despicable things in the divorce, but you can tell that she still loved him the whole time and that she still loved him after all these years.

I further guess that I learned at a young age that love and behavior are separate things. I saw my parents kick my older brother out of the house because he was heavily involved in drug usage and didn’t stay clean after treatment. They loved him, and did the right thing. He did get in more trouble, but eventually decided to clean himself up. They supported him the whole time, not with money or a roof over his head, but with love. He needed to learn to love himself, then he could support himself. His behavior is again about love.

So I am now dealing with the emotional fallout of being left, after pouring my love into this other person’s life in every way I could. I don’t love in a half ass kind of way.

In our house we talk about crumbs. We don’t do crumbs here. You get the whole loaf or nothing, even if you just wanted the crumbs. We can thank Tauro for that analogy. He used it the first weekend he stayed here. He said he’d take whatever crumbs were left over in our marriage. We told him we weren’t crumbs kind of people. Then he didn’t believe us, and for good reason. Tauro is a wise man in many ways. He believes us now. He’s gotten more bread than he wanted and has even started to enjoy it after choking on it for a while. We don’t do crumbs, sometimes to our own detriment.

And perhaps that’s where I am tonight. After crying harder than I can remember since a girl broke up with me in high school, I’m learning the difficulty of not giving crumbs. When somebody eats at your table and gets up and leaves without so much as a thank you, you can’t help but feel discarded.

The worst part is, Hermosa my be back at the table tomorrow. And somehow I’m going to have to explain that the flavor of the bread has changed. Her loaf is sourdough for a while even though I will keep serving it. And the flavor will never be the one we had again. Then again, my gut may be right and she may never eat at my table again. This will cause me great pain, because I am in love and I don’t want to lose her.

And maybe that will be the whole lesson, that no matter how much bread you serve, or what kind, some people still will only accept one loaf at a time, if any at all. Our table is set for however many may want to dine. And Hermosa will no longer be our guest by her own choice. And I don’t know how to not love her anyway.

Emotional Maturity

2009-04-08T20:28:00.000-05:00

So Nerys and I were having a discussion today about our relationships and something struck us, emotional maturity just isn’t that great in most people. I know that seems like a “Well, duh.” for many, but the implications are significant. In our current situation, it has to do with finding lovers that are on the same level we are.

Getting to this point for us was a tremendous maturing process. We look at relationships (our own, and others) very differently than we did before. We have matured in our understanding of what relationships are and can be, and are truly starting to flourish in the idea.

That brings us to the problem, though. Most people don’t go through this kind of thing. Shoot, I don’t think most people think about relationships at all past getting married unless something goes “wrong”. We certainly aren’t encouraged to look very deeply by the media and whatnot. All those solutions are quick fixes that lack depth and maturity.

So here we are in our happy poly relationship, looking hard for those that are on the same level. This has become an issue for Nerys and Tauro. Without going into all the nitty gritty, lets just say that he’s not on the same level we are. He’s been married with an ugly breakup. But it didn’t bring about much emotional maturity. He pretty much retreated.

Now don’t get me wrong, we completely respect why and how he did what he did. But he approaches the relationship with Nerys from that perspective, despite the fact that it doesn’t fit at all. He has no experience to work from to try and deepen the relationship with Nerys, even though she really wants it, and we would welcome it. The worst part is that his experiences are so broken that we can’t even figure a way to help encourage him to be willing to go deeper. Emotionally, he only allows him self to be so available, and that’s it. He has a very clearly defined cutoff switch.

And again, I respect why. But the consequences are severe. First, it strains his and Nerys’ relationship, because she feels neglected. I scoop that up, which I don’t mind most of the time, unless I’m stressed, too. That makes me want him to just go for broke and let his walls down and feel something for goodness sake. His experiences have taught him the exact opposite. And it’s frustrating to say the least.

So what are we to do? How do we go about finding those that are on the same level? There’s the obvious dating rituals (meaning of the poly variety, not the typical singles variety) but even then, what do you look for? What do you ask? You don’t really know someone’s emotional temperature until you put them under stress, and that’s not really something to do on the first or second date.

I guess what I wish more than anything is that everyone would just grow up and “own their own stuff” as the authors of The Ethical Slut put it. I see this emotionally immature behavior in so many places and it irritates me to the core.

Take television. The average sitcom has the guy always being wrong and his wife being mistreated by his boneheadedness for half an hour until he comes to the epiphany that he loves her and apologizes to fix everything. For too many, that’s their picture of how things should work. The worst part is that you can just insert whatever ethnicity into this scenario. I see it on all the channels. Well, maybe not the spanish channels, but that’s because I don’t speak the lingo. They may do it, too, for all I know.

Then you have politicians that are so completely emotionally stunted that they can’t understand how anyone of the same gender could possibly love one another enough to make it like “real love”. They just have no concept outside of their own limited experiences and they behave with such arrogance. Until they get caught with the intern, that is. Then they’re very apologetic and all and still think that the downfall of America is because of the broken family and homosexuals. Gee, did anyone ever think that it’s because we don’t expect people to be emotionally mature, deal with their own stuff, and let others do the same?

One thing I have to give to our forefathers, I think they had a clue. To come from such puritanical backgrounds, they at least had the foresight to see that not everyone was the same, and that we could all probably live together in relative peace and harmony despite our differences. They were such different people to start with, and they worked hard to create a system where those differences wouldn’t be stifled. And today politicians just want to shove everyone into the same box and they have the nerve to think that it’s the people that are different that are the problem.

So, what about emotional maturity? I think poly people have a huge leg up on everyone else. Or a huge handicap, depending on which end of the stick you end up on in a given situation. I just wish we could get more people to our level so that stick wouldn’t swing so wide.

With that in mind, I wish luck to all those that are getting the word out. Perhaps they can bring about education enough that people can create whatever kind of relationships they want and love who they want without at least the government giving them grief. I look forward to a time where all people are expected by society to own their own emotional stuff.

Kinda like I think our forefathers would have wanted it.

Vocabulary

2009-01-11T23:55:00.000-06:00

Nerys and I have been having a discussion recently about what to call her relationship with Tauro. They are strongly considering a trip to Tauro’s native country this summer, and she’d be meeting his family. But what do you call someone that is: way more than a friend, a girlfriend but never going to get married and is way more committed than a girlfriend is, a lover but again never going to get married...?

(as a side note, while we are poly, we haven’t really considered bringing others into our household which would necessitate some sort of coming out on everyone’s part, we just live our lives and don’t answer inappropriate questions, except when I screw up and do answer...)

It brings to mind Orwell’s book 1984. The government was systematically taking words out of the dictionary so that the people had less vocabulary to work with. The idea goes (and there’s some research to back this up) that people won’t think about things they can’t express in words. Since we tend to think in words, if you don’t have a word, you don’t think it. Fewer words meant that the government didn’t have to worry about people thinking things they weren’t supposed to (from the government’s perspective, of course).

Now the poly lifestyle doesn’t suffer from words taken away, but it does suffer from a lack of a common vocabulary. You find terms that people use in some book or another, but there’s nothing that’s in mainstream use (at least that I’m familiar with) to be able to have discussions with those outside of the poly lifestyle.

This situation makes perfect sense considering that poly is totally unacceptable in a legal sense, and therefore not in the public eye. It does, however, make communicating very difficult. So how does Tauro introduce Nerys to his family? “Hi, this is my ____________, Nerys.”

There is a fairly large age difference between the two of them and I know that for most when men reach a certain age, others just don’t ask about how they are related to their lady friends. But Nerys wants her due from Tauro’s family and to respect they way they feel about one another.

Oh, for a good word...

Vocabulary

2009-01-11T23:37:00.001-06:00

Too Long!

2009-01-11T22:24:00.000-06:00

And I thought it was too long since my previous post for the last one! Four months. Okay, feel free to electronically flog me.

So the poly life has smoothed out quite a bit. Tauro did visit in November. It was a good visit, but he hasn’t been back since then. He’s supposed to be here next weekend, which is good. There’s some apprehension on Nerys’ part again since it’s been so long since he’s been here. That’s pretty natural from my perspective. Long distance relationships are hard enough in the normal sense of things. Make it a poly relationship on top of that, and it doesn’t get easier. There’s the benefit of having me around for Nerys, but that doesn’t make her miss Tauro any less.

He’s been a bit more distant, too. Well, up until the last few weeks, at least. He lost his job, and that’ll add stress to anyone’s life. Put that together with not really having anywhere to live (he’s living with his daughter at the moment, on his previous job he lived wherever he was working on his employer’s penny) and you kind of end up with priorities other than keeping up with your long distance girlfriend. This has waned in the last few weeks. Tauro had a family issue that Nerys helped him with a bit by being a good listener and he’s been more in touch since then.

I think we all tend to forget how important people are to us when we’re stressed. Being poly doesn’t change that at all. It’s nice to have those close people when we need an objective ear, though. One of the advantages to poly relationships is that you have someone to talk to that is outside of your normal relationships, but you trust completely. You can talk to them in complete confidence, but they can help you see things normally when you’re buried in the emotional stuff.

I suppose most people get this from their best friend or friends, but the added level of commitment garnered in poly relationships adds another level of trust. There are things we don’t tell our friends, even our best friends. Hopefully the barrier doesn’t need to be in place with intimate lovers. The level of communication required to be in a poly relationship sure helps to prevent limits in conversation.

On a more personal front, life with my new lover is good. I’m going to call her Hermosa here on the blog. I’m constantly impressed with how well she deals with being a part of my life. I met her through an online service that caters to the more lascivious nature of people. She was just looking for someone for some bed fun and we pretty much fell for one another. I guess that’s the way things work in real life. We get to see one another about once a week. Sometimes it’s just dates out for dinner and stuff, sometimes she comes over and we share our affectionate nature. Either way we always have a good time.

I’m amazed with how Hermosa manages her life. She’s single and takes care of her mom who is in poor health and lives with her. Recently her sister moved in with a baby. She cares for all of them on her salary and the disability checks her mom receives. Yet, she pretty much always has smile on her face and has a positive outlook on life. I don’t think I could do the same in her situation.

I know that I frustrate her because she’d really like to have a boyfriend in the traditional sense. She’s still open to dating others but she tells me I’ve set the bar pretty high. Apparently I’m very attentive, and from what she says most guys struggle with that. I do love her dearly so being attentive isn’t much of an issue for me. I mean, how hard is it to tell a woman you are in love with that you love her? ;-)

I’ve been thinking about my blog quite a bit recently. I haven’t really posted anything, because I haven’t had much to say. I’m thinking about opening up my topics a bit, sticking with the polyamory theme, but not so much about my day to day life, since it’s calmed down so much. Anyway, hopefully I’ll have more to post in the future!

The Times, They Are A-Changing

2008-09-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been this long since I last put anything up here. Lazy blogger! More like busy blogger. Since school started and some other changes, I just haven’t had much time.

A minor change is in my workout schedule. I’m now doing much better when it comes to taking care of myself. I’ve been working out about six days a week for the last month or so. Just for a half hour or so each time, but a workout nonetheless. So that’s the basic thing.

The more blogworthy change is that I now have a girlfriend of my own! I met her on one of the online sites and she has been an absolute dream come true. I need to create a blog name for her, but not right now.

It hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies, but we’ve progressed to a point where some balance is in place. Nerys went (and is going) through many of the same emotional difficulties that I did. Some were exacerbated by how quickly my new friend and I fell for one another and some were just different from the way I went through them.

Tauro has been in out of touch lately due to traveling constraints, and that’s made the situation worse for Nerys. But, we’re managing for the time being.

There was some very heavy duty drama for a couple of weeks. One of the things I’m learning is that when you go poly, it’s really hard for both sides of the relationship to accept that their spouse really loves someone else without really loving you less. I remember feeling very left out when Nerys and Tauro started their adventure together. Now Nerys is feeling the same thing.

Honestly, I expected it to be easier for her. Now I see that as rather naive. We each have to walk that emotional path for ourselves. I made the mistake of not communicating as well as I should have at the beginning because I didn’t want to upset Nerys. So I went out and Nerys didn’t realize that I was on a date. Major mistake! We haven’t fought like that in years. I thought we were on the same page and we weren’t.

When you read about communication being important in poly relationships, don’t underestimate the importance of sharing every detail of what’s going on emotionally or what kinds of plans you’re making. What was really a nice date turned very bad very quickly.

We’ve moved past it now and we have other things taking our time. Real life still gets in the way of being totally free and frivolous. But I guess that’s good. It forces you to slow down and do things at the right speed. Or at a more moderate pace, anyway.

Either way, it’s so nice to be in love again and to be loved in return! And the sex is good, too!

Getting in Trouble

2008-08-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, it was my turn for a screwup a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been busy, so I haven’t been able to write about it. But, it’s part of our story, so I’m putting it up here.

Basically, I told someone I shouldn’t have about our lifestyle. It’s a good friend, so realistically the problem’s not so great. But I had promised Nerys that I wouldn’t say and I did. She stayed good and pissed at me for a while. We decided to have a sit down with the couple I told and tell them the whole story so they didn’t get the wrong idea.

Personally, I felt pretty crappy. I hate it when I screw up like this. But hey, I was home alone and, like I said, the girl I told (who told her husband, of course, which she should, no reason for secrets) is a good friend. When I’m by myself for too long, I do stupid things. This blog documents that rather well, I suppose.

On the bright side, the dinner we had where we laid the whole thing out went well. Actually, the couple has talked about getting into swinging a bit themselves. They’ve talked about the whole open marriage thing too, but that’s probably not going to happen. It’s not for everyone, but the girl and I are rather attracted to one another, so she’s pretty bummed. Her husband isn’t so hip on the sex side, although the feelings of attraction don’t really bother him.

All in all, they’re a pretty cool couple about this kind of thing. But the issue in my house was saying things when I shouldn’t have. Sometimes I just need to keep my mouth shut.

We’ve worked through it, but I’m going to have to do better. Hopefully I won’t feel the need in the future since I now have someone I can talk to about the whole thing.

Life in the Slow Lane (Fair Warning: Long Post)

2008-07-22T12:08:00.000-05:00

So it’s summer time. Seeing as how I’m in the education field, this is my time “off.” I say it that way because as most educators know, the summertime is what makes the school year bearable. Teaching is very emotionally straining. Most teachers worth their salt put a lot of emotional effort in to what they do every day. So, you invest all school year long. The student’s rarely repay that investment. Sure, there’s lots of nice individual hits every once in a while, but if you put in everyday and only get back every once in a while, you’re left emotionally exhausted.

Most teachers learn to deal with this pretty early on. The dropout rate for teachers is about 50% in the first 5 years. (At least it was a few years ago, I haven’t seen a recent study, but I haven’t any reason to doubt that the number has changed significantly.) If you learn to deal with being treated as non-person from children and still have them learn something, you succeed. If not, you usually pick something else to do. I’ve been teaching for over 10 years, so I’ve figured it out (more or less).

But this is why teachers need summers off. It’s not so we can go on easy street. Many teachers take another job. But most do something that allows them to shake off the emotional weight of the past school year so that they can begin anew the next year and continue to do their jobs without needing a padded room.

In some ways, being in a polyamorous relationship is kind of the same issue. You often hear of the “emotional bank account” in discussions of dysfunctional relationships. The idea is that all the individual people involved in a relationship make deposits and withdrawals to the relationship with one another. If I do something nice for Nerys, that’s a deposit in her emotional bank account. I do something mean, that’s a withdrawal.

Most successful relationships make far more deposits than withdrawals, since withdrawals tend to be in much bigger chunks. One nasty fight with one bad insult or accusation can wipe out months of deposits in about 2 seconds. The account won’t balance again for months. This is why relationships where couples are always fighting are so destructive. There may be nothing physical going on, but the emotional cost is phenomenal. This is also why people that are coming out of bad relationships take so long to heal. If you’ve never been there, count your blessings. Most of us have been there many times in varying degrees.

But polyamory creates a special situation. Now you have a place where multiple people can be making deposits to the same person. For that person, the emotional bank account gets very full. It seems in my experience that while each person has their own account, the success of one bleeds over a bit. Our hearts aren’t nearly as skilled at keeping things separate as the computers in a real bank are. So, when things are good, they tend to be very good for everyone involved.

However, the counter is true as well. When things go bad, they can go very bad. And even if the problem is only between two of the people involved, it leaks over to everyone involved. The interesting part is that the people that are not having stress can help alleviate the stress between those that are having difficulties.

The main thing you hear about when talking to polyamorous people is that communication is imperative. This helps keep the little issues from getting bigger. It keeps the day to day business of everyone’s accounts on the plus side. There may an occasional withdrawal when someone is having a bad day, but there are multiple people there to help fill the account back up again. So the day to day business works well.

Since many couples can’t keep the emotional bank account balance (see the divorce rate) right, polyamory seems to have an edge up right from the start in my book. It requires daily relationship maintenance, and you have several people involved to help make it happen. Several people involved significantly reduces the chance that the maintenance will be skipped, like what happens for many couples.

Some people think it’s the maintenance that makes polyamory hard. Well, I don’t feel that hard is the right word, but you can’t take any days off. Relationship maintenance must be consistent. The good part is that if you practice good relationship maintenance, it’ll get to where you don’t even have to think about it, it just happens.

And when a relationship, any relationship, reaches that point, great things start to happen. You hear all the hullabaloo about teamwork. Imagine that at work in your own home. One person can do a lot. A couple can do more. But a team? Sky’s the limit!

When everyone cares and works toward making everyone well and happy emotionally, the reward is amazing. If someone gets hurt, one person doesn’t bear the burden, several people do, and they all support one another. If someone does something good, it’s not dinner for two, it’s a party for however many you have.

You may think, well, my friends and I have that kind of thing. And in many ways, you’d be right. Throw sex in the mix, though. Whoa, society doesn’t deal with that. But if you are one of those that has a great sex life with your spouse, imagine that with more people involved. The level of affection and attention goes up with everything else. It makes that emotional bank account huge and allows a person true sanctuary at home, with a whole platoon of people to protect them from the evils of the world.

Now, being the realist that I am, I understand that things can go just as sour as they are great. But when you think about the support in place, it becomes very difficult for things to go bad. We know a couple that had such a positive relationship. It dissolved because people had to move away. There were three couples, one is left here and the others had to move for employment. We met the couple here, and they are still searching to recreate that connection. It was very powerful for them. There is nothing but support for those that had to go, but they are missed, too.

When I think about how much more successful we might all be if we were able to live our lives with those we love in this way, I just can’t help but imagine a better place for everyone. Most of the difficulty in the world is based in unfulfilled emotional needs. When people are fulfilled, they are happy and creative and life is good, even if material things are not plenty. Strife comes from holes in the heart and selfishness takes over.

So, with my recently slow moving summer, I’ve been thinking about the good life. I wish it was easier to connect with others that felt the same way. Being outside of the normal social circle is a dangerous place, and finding those that are willing to go there with you is hard. But I think the search is worthwhile, so I will keep looking in hopes that we may have our circle expand to include many more loves.

More General Musings...

2008-06-19T00:47:00.000-05:00

Nerys and I attended a wedding this weekend of one of my family members. Weddings always entertain us, especially when in a religious setting. I say entertain because our marriage is so much bigger than it was when we got married. We were married in a most reverent place that was not religious be couldn’t be much more of an example of what love is really about if you tried to find one. (I’m avoiding specifics for privacy reasons. Just trust me on this one.)

So going to this wedding was fun because we enjoy the jokes others make about the “ball and chain” and not having anyone else forever and not having any fun. Our lives are so not that way. In many ways we want to jump up and tell everyone that it doesn’t have to be that way. But the wedding isn’t about us and I have very little desire to make that event the time that our entire family starts to think about us “that way.” So between the regular wedding stuff and the normal watching of family under stress, the wedding was much fun, indeed. I think the bride and groom were the least worried and nervous of everyone. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad one, but there you are!

And with all the marriages going on in California this week, I guess it just puts everything in an uproar. I was reading an article in Polyamorous Percolations' blog about current events talking about how legally complicated polyamory would become if legalized. Personally, considering how complicated our tax law is, I figure that something would be worked out. And, like the tax law and pretty much every other law, it would work the majority of the time and the news would make a big deal about all the stupid parts. But that would make polyamory just like everything else, and I think that’s really the goal, right?

So, up with marriage! All kinds and flavors, so long as everyone is consenting and acting in good faith, the world could easily end up a better place.

Anniversary Again

2008-06-03T21:29:00.000-05:00

So now we are celebrating our real anniversary. As in the one my wife and I got married on. We’re not really into big anniversary plans or parties, but we do usually go out to dinner and have some fun together.

We also celebrate the anniversary of our first date. That’s a bigger day for us because we dated for years before actually getting married. College will do that to a couple. Especially when the mom that’s paying the bills says your on your own if you get married and you go to an expensive private college.

Oh well. We’re probably better for it in the long run. My family’s running the national average of 50% on marriages these days, and we’re on the successful side of that, so there you go.

See, sex and swinging won’t cause you to break up! It’s actually made us better companions and far more appreciative of one another.

So, happy anniversary to us!

One Year Anniversary

2008-05-30T18:11:00.000-05:00

So yesterday marked the one year anniversary meeting of our first “full swap” couple. Not the evening of the swap, just the initial hello.

This couple has become probably our best friends. There isn’t really anything that we don’t share with them. They are the primary reason we love the lifestyle so much. Our friendship is true and honest, we can’t imagine when we weren’t friends.

So we celebrated by visiting Starbucks together. That’s where we first got together, so it’s a homecoming of sorts, even though we really go there together all the time. Stayed up half the night just enjoying one another’s company. Actually had to leave S’bucks because they closed and went to a place that stays open all night so we could hang.

Good friends are the most wonderful thing in the world, and we’re so happy to have them!

Frustration

2008-05-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

It’s really annoying to have values that you actually try to live by. Some days I just want to be an asshole. You know, the kind of person that does whatever he wants, regardless of who it hurts, then begs for forgiveness? People give it to them. It just encourages more indecent behavior.

I just came across a web site designed for cheating wives. I’m working really hard to try and be truthful to everyone about everything (I don’t go around blabbing about my lifestyle, but I don’t lie about it, either) in relationships, and here these people go putting themselves up as cheaters. I can’t get anyone to be in a truthful relationship with me, but apparently enough people are gung-ho enough to be liars and cheaters that some company is making money off them on a web site.

This is one of the few things that truly make me angry. One of our favorite musical artist has a song about “Getting Away with It.” He espouses about how our culture isn’t interested in truth, it’s interested in getting away with a lie. This concept bothers me on a level that I can’t even begin to put into words, because I tear myself up trying to be genuine most days. I can’t tell the women I find attractive that I think they’re beautiful because that would make me a pig. But you can put a profile up on a website to cheat on your spouse and that’s supposed to be okay?

Does anyone else out there find a problem with this?

Still So New

2008-05-19T23:38:00.000-05:00

So recently I’ve had more fascination about how the mind functions when a primary rule is changed. This seems to be most true when dealing with the concept of monogamy. I was just reading over at Polyamorous Percolations News Blog about a concept that I hadn’t put into words but completely describes what happens in the mind when monogamy is no longer the rule.

That is, that other people no longer become a threat to anything. It’s like all the drama that gets created in our monogamous minds just goes away. Do I still worry that my wife might find someone that she likes better than me? Yes, in my weaker moments, I do.

But then, before going poly, I had decided that if she left me for another man, I’d wish her well. I would never be so selfish as to wish my wife to be less happy with me than she could be with someone else. How much love would that be showing?

Would I be hurt? Yes. Talk about an ego busting experience! I get micro versions of that on a regular basis when she comments about some other guy. We even got into a bit of a row about it the other day.

But it keeps me humble, and I don’t take anything for granted. I don’t think either of us do.

And I think that’s the point. With poly relationships, discussion and communication is paramount. So when you see someone attractive, you may mention it. When you really like someone in that “I’d love to take her home and spend the weekend getting to know one another.” kind of way, you say so. There’s no secret feelings or hidden attractions.

Nerys recently read this blog (she hadn’t before because she just wanted it to be me, but I was concerned about her finding something objectionable, and the blog isn’t worth a major issue, so I asked her to read through it) for the first time. The people I mention being attracted to, she knew exactly who they were. There’s no secrets between us.

And it flows both ways. Do I always get an ego hit when she mentions another guy? No. Actually, most of the time I don’t. We carry on a regular discussion about what kind of guy she’s attracted to because I can’t figure it out. I guess I don’t have a bi-sexual bone in my body. Guys are literally a non-issue from a sexual perspective for me.

But women, oh, I find all kinds attractive.

And we discuss that, too. Everything’s on the table, especially about sex. We went out dancing with some friends (well, she danced, I tried to dance, truly, I suck) that are in the lifestyle. We had a good time and met some new couples. One couple looked good, but we didn’t like their personality or their attitude toward the lifestyle. Two other couples we met were wonderful and we hope to see them again.

The entire discussion happened on the way home after dancing. No fear, no worries, everything is open.

And why are open marriages bad? Maybe we’re still so new we don’t know...

But I think the monogamous world is out of it’s mind.

Musing About Freedom

2008-05-10T13:54:00.002-05:00

Shasta over at Stiletto Diaries and I were having a conversation the other day about “coming out.” In many ways, being polyamorous is more socially unacceptable than being gay or even than cheating on your spouse.

The gay community, especially in it’s push for marriage rights and such, still fits the monogamous model that society prefers. I don’t really have a problem with this push, of course, because I believe that people should be allowed to legally attach themselves to whomever they want. But this largely sidesteps the issue in the way of poly families.

Poly families don’t fit in the monogamy model, so society in general is very un-accepting. Most guys think it’s cool to see a guy with two girls, and some might be cool with it being the other way around, but don’t try and legalize anything. That makes people feel uncomfortable. It upsets the general societal balance of one-on-one.

So trying to tell one’s family that they’d like to add more adults to their family, can be most disturbing. I’d like to think my family would be pretty cool with it. With divorce and people passing away, we’ve had many people move in and out of our family circle. But all that still fits in the normal circle of expectations.

What I’d be talking about I’m not so sure would sit well. For my wife and I to tell the family that we care for these other people, love them, and actually sleep with them, too would probably be too much to bear. Especially if we were to all be living together.

People view it as gluttony or selfishness. I mean, people should only have one other person, right?

But it’s interesting. Trying to be someone’s end all and be all is really stressful. Many people have plenty of interest that their significant other just doesn’t care for. For many people, they satisfy those needs with friends. And everybody is cool with that until sex becomes involved. My argument is why shouldn’t sex be in the mix, too?

Our society is just way too hung up on one aspect of a relationship is the only answer I can come up with.

I read an article some time ago about “work spouses.” These are people that you become so attached to at work that they practically fill the role of a spouse. I known plenty of people that do that. Shoot, I’ve even been there. I had a previous colleague that when she left, I felt like I was going through a breakup. I still miss her terribly, especially on the bad days.

Our relationship was deep, meaningful, and caring. Love is never mentioned out loud because its a work place environment. I loved her then, and still do, even though we don’t see one another very often any more. We would have never become lovers in the physical sense, but the emotion is nevertheless real and meaningful.

Is it wrong? I say no. But marriages have broken up over it.

I think that many sexual boss/secretary relationships work like this. These people spend more waking hours together and go through just as many stressful situations together as many husbands and wives. If they fall in love and become physical lovers, is that wrong? From my perspective, it should be practically expected. We’re all human and desire affection.

Does a marriage need to split up over it? Why? They are completely separate relationships. Most of the time both parts of these boss/secretary relationships are married. Do two families need to be taken apart over a job? Especially since the boss and secretary could probably never live together and make it work.

Now if you start neglecting your spouse over it, that changes things. And honestly, this is the heart of the matter. If someone is being taken advantage of, then you have a problem. People should be able to stick to their word. but things need to able to change, too. Just don’t paint yourself into a corner. When my wife and I got married, there was no bit about obeying anyone and nothing about forsaking all others either. For the technically minded, we live an open marriage without breaking our vows. We just love one another and treat each other with respect. It’s all pretty straightforward when you get down to it.

But to further the other example, the other spouse in the boss/secretary situation should be free to have other lovers, too. Everyone’s needs would be met without having to destroy anything. Actually, everyone would probably be happier if everything was up front and out in the open. So long as good communication was practiced and all the relationships were honored. Many housewives would love to have a daytime lover. And if the spouse is working, they may have a work spouse, too. Everyone could get their needs and desires met and be home for dinner on time.

Yeah, I know. Not in America...

Better Now

2008-05-05T23:47:00.002-05:00

Okay, the pathetic fit is over. Actually, that was the only bad night I had in the whole trip. I guess that’s doing better. I don’t know. I still feel like a turd when I feel that way. But, if I’ve learned anything, it’s to not deny the way you feel. It just makes things worse.

So we’ve had some issues with the homecoming, though. We have a rule that she isn’t to have any marks left on her after a visit. Well, she had quite a few after this visit, so there’s been quite a row going on about this.

It’s not so much the marks, it’s the broken rule.

We have very few rules regarding our time with others. Most of them focus on basic safety.

Personally, I’d rather not be looking at where some other guy bruised up my wife. I’m rarely possessive, but he doesn’t have to be careful about how he touches her for two weeks while she heals, so it’s one of my rules. I really don’t want the actions of another affecting how I can touch my wife.

I’m also worried about accidental hurting. Once again, the other person doesn’t have to salve the wounds. I do trust the people she and we are with, but accidents do happen, and I have to cope with the result, not the other guy.

So the rule is there, everyone is aware of it, and it got broken pretty seriously this time. I was very upset. In this case, there is to be some restitution. Nerys feels pretty bad because she knows she crossed the line and it has put a real kink in our communication and trust of late.

We’re moving past it now, but it’s yet another hurdle that we’ve been dealing with the last few days. We move forward with the understanding that if it happens again, there will be some serious lost company as a result.

At the same time, I love my wife dearly and am so very happy to have her home with me. I really hate being alone. But I think I’m going to try and do better. I ruined parts of her trip with my angst, and that’s not fair to her. So, next time, maybe I do squish a feeling or two, so she can have a better time.

Alone Again

2008-05-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

So I am being pathetic and lonely again. My honey is off having fun with her boyfriend, and I’m sitting here by myself. She can’t even hardly talk to me on the phone. I feel awful. I just want someone to pay attention to me. It’s better that we not both be lonely I guess, but I’m pretty miserable.

I know, the world doesn’t really care.

New Experiences

2008-04-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

So we have come full circle. This weekend we had the pleasure of introducing a new couple to the lifestyle. We thought there was a lot of pressure when we did it the first time, but being another’s first was way more pressure.

You just want everything to go well for them. So far it seems that things went well, but you have to give these issues time to settle. It’s a huge decision for a couple to be comfortable opening themselves to new people. We just hope we made them feel okay, since we really enjoy their company.

I also had a bit of a bout with the ugly green monster on Saturday. Nerys is going out of town this week and I can’t go with her. Touro is going to be able to meet her. I’m both cool with this and not cool with this at the same time. I like the fact that she’s going to have someone else there. It’s important to me that she be safe, and having someone I trust with her makes me less worried for her basic safety. Plus, she’ll have much more fun.

At the same time, I’d really rather be there with her. We’ve never been able to travel together to the place she’s going, and I just hate giving up seeing the exciting new things with her first. So this has created some angst in me.

The specific straw that broke things was going to see a music performance that I’d like for us to see together for the first time. Before my opinion was voiced, the tickets were bought. Music is our lives, so it holds a special place for the two of us.

We had discussed that her doing new things with him that I would like to do with her was an issue for me. I was very upset that I hadn’t been in the loop of the conversation.

I demanded that she not go. I made her call Touro and tell him and everything (since I wasn’t in on the decision before hand, I didn’t feel this was unjust). It ripped her up pretty bad. She let into me, but then I was only being honest and not passive aggressive by letting her know how I feel.

For a relationship like ours to work, open communication has to be the given. We haven’t had a row like this in a while. She eventually relented and apologized for being angry at me just for telling her how I feel. But it was pretty ugly there for a bit.

As for the concert, I’ve changed my mind and just decided that I’m going to let it go. I’m not happy, of course, but I’ll just deal with it. The idea of preventing Nerys and Touro from having a good time over my own jealously doesn’t sit well with me ethically, so I’m going to move along. The concert is a traveling show that has come to town many times. Honestly, if it’s something we really wanted to see, we could have done that here. So that’s that. I called Touro and let him know. I even sent him a message apologizing and explaining the situation.

Part of me feels really justified for feeling the way I do. Part of me feels like I’m worrying about the wrong things. But you never know what’s going to punch you in the gut. Not to say that this issue may not be back, but at least it’s fair. And I don’t have to give in and behave like a three year old over a concert that apparently isn’t important enough for us to have already gone.

A weekend of new things, from all angles. It’s wonderful to kiss someone new. It’s hard to let your love go be with her other love. But it’s all the right and fair thing to do, in both situations. At least I hope so.

Bad Television

2008-04-26T00:30:00.000-05:00

So my honey comes in from taking a bath and tells me she wants to “flick through some channels.” She stops on some soft core on HBO or something. Bad acting, fake breasts, and all.

It’s interesting, since getting into the lifestyle, porn of any sort doesn’t have the same allure or fun it used to. I used to sneak a peek at the skin flicks and surf the internet porn from time to time, mostly when I was in the mood to see someone that really wanted to have sex. Our sex life didn’t have the same passion it does now, to say the least.

We’ve always had a good time, but there’s something about opening your body to fun with others that’ll really liven up your own bedroom. You start to see your lover in a whole new light.

The interesting personal thing is the real lack of interest in porn I have now. I know that’s supposed to be against the rules for guys. But there’s something about having a real sex life that makes the fake one on TV or the intertubes much less interesting. I do look from time to time, but it’s just so fake that I can’t enjoy it anymore. Our personal sex life is amazing, not to mention the extra sex life we have, watching fake sex just is so disingenuous that it doesn’t hold any interest for me.

I suppose it’s all related to the idea that our lifestyle is looking for genuine behavior, so seeing what is so poorly done in the media just isn’t interesting. Things just need to be what they are. I keep looking for the real in the things I do, so bad television just kills the mood.

So we just move on, and look for the authentic. And keep looking for good television.

Being Alone

2008-04-16T21:38:00.001-05:00

My honey is gone on a trip, so I’m home alone...

Pathetic, I know. But I don’t deny who I am. So I’m a lonely guy with not much to do that needs to go to bed soon or risk not being able to stay awake all day tomorrow.

And I like ice cream. Which would probably explain the empty container sitting next to me. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you go through a breakup? Even if the breakup is just for a few days?

Okay, my stupid silly side has had it’s turn at the blog. I’ll move on!

Fun Stuff

2008-04-11T00:22:00.001-05:00

So the weekend is approaching. We have plans to visit with friends tomorrow night. We were supposed to spend time with a new couple on Saturday, but life has intervened. So we’ll make plans to be with them another time.

When it comes right down to it, this is the fun part of the lifestyle. Just getting together and having fun (sexual or not) is what it’s all about. The most important part is there are few boundaries. You can be truthful and fun. We can all cuss and talk about how hot one another look. If people get all fired up for one another and decide to take their clothes off, so much the better. The lack of inhibitions is truly wonderful.

The best part is even when you meet someone new. Since you’re all there with sex as the underlying issue, nothing else seems to be in the way.

“Hey, your wife is hot.”
“Thanks, so’s yours.”
“We should get together and see what everyone looks like naked and entangled.”
“Yea. We should. Let’s get the ladies together and plan on it.”
“Cool. Whadda you think about the situation in the Western Conference?”

Sex just becomes another part of what’s going on. No jealousy, no rudeness. As long as you hang out with the right crowd.

Everyone talks about sports, cars, houses, jobs and whatever else. Swingers just include sex. Other people get together to watch a movie, we get together to watch a movie and go to someone’s place afterwards and maybe share some affection. Nobody generally gets upset unless someone is pushy or rude. But really, we should all get upset when people are pushy and rude. Assholes get way too much leeway in my opinion. In the lifestyle, they get kicked out. We don’t have time for that kind of thing. There’s sex to be had!

I guess I just enjoy the fun and relatively stress free atmosphere. Of course, you have to be comfortable with yourself, and not get bent out of shape if someone tells you no, but otherwise, it’s pretty cool.

Another Visit

2008-04-04T23:30:00.001-05:00

Well, Touro was here for another visit. Things are going very well now. I even went out on a date myself. That’s a completely new experience to have. It’s pretty neat when everything is above board, except that most of my family has no idea that we’re a poly couple. I could just imagine my mom coming in the restaurant we were eating in. Try explaining that. “Well, Mom, this is my friend. I just met her ten minutes ago. No, Nerys isn’t here, she’s out with Touro. Love you, too, Mom.” Oh man.

My date and I actually discussed this very issue. She hasn’t had it happen to her either (she’s married), but she’s imagined it plenty. We got a good chuckle over the situation. But hey, we’re just like most other people, with good friends that we happen to get naked with and maybe have sex, too. What’s not to love?

But overall the visit went well. I had some lonely moments. That’s going to happen. At least now I know what they are and how to deal with them fairly. Nerys and I had a falling out before the visit about some other stuff. She fussed at me for being passive aggressive in dealing with it. So I was pretty up front this time. Probably a better choice, but I’m going to have to learn how. When you are hurting over something, you just really want to make the other person hurt, too, so being passive aggressive is pretty easy to fall into. Live and learn, though. I think this is something else that could make our relationship that much stronger.

So the visit went well and my date went well. I’m looking forward to seeing her again. Nerys wants to meet her. I don’t know how that’s going to go over. But you never know until you ask. I guess if that’s not kosher for my date (I’ll just keep referring to her as that until things either solidify and I come up with a name or we part ways and then a name isn’t really necessary), I’ll just have to keep looking. But the kiss at the end of the night was very nice! I look forward to doing more of that. We both have no hanky panky rules for the first date, so it wasn’t really going to go much further.

I suppose all this does become easier with practice. Learning how to work truthfully around all the in’s and out’s of affection is tricky, but most definitely worth it!

The "Angst"

2008-03-22T03:09:00.001-05:00

The interesting things one learns about themselves when put new situations are fascinating, to say the least. After Nerys and I made our initial foray into the more serious side of the lifestyle, things were okay. However, as time went on, I became more and more jealous of her boyfriend. I even put a rule in place where they couldn’t have sex when he was here. This is odd, of course, because it was the start of the whole thing. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I was so upset about her having sex with him, but not with others.

This went on for several visits. Actually, I started reading another blog called Steletto Diaries about a couple, a bit younger than us, that is involved in a polyamorous relationship. The ups and downs they went through really made me start to think through my own issues. I had been working on it before reading the blog, but to no avail. Reading through Shasta’s story made me start to rethink things from the ground up. Then, one night when Nerys and I were trying to have an intimate evening in front of the fire, we got pissed at one another and she went and slept in the other room.

Now for us, this is a big no-no. We deal with most of our issues up front. But we were both tired and just kind of died where we were, she in the bed, me on the pallet that I had made in front of the fire. After sleeping for a couple of hours, I woke up and started thinking again (in an angry mood, which is usually not good, but this time got me where I wanted to go) about the situation. I was angry about some peripheral issues having to do with the three of us, but eventually I got to the central issue. It came down to that when Nerys was with her boyfriend, she was not with me.

This, of course, seems obvious. However, I was angry because I had finally reached a point where I really wanted her around all the time, and she was going off spending time with this other guy. It didn’t bother me when we played with others, because we were doing that together. But when she was with him, I was left alone. This angered me tremendously without me understanding the root until that day. She also tended to really cater to him during his visits (remember, he stays at our house). This got on my nerves a bit, but wasn’t really the issue. It was being left alone so she could be with him that really was getting to me, but I had buried the reason deep because that’s part of the nature of being in a polyamorous relationship. Once I realized what was going on in my own mind, it became much easier to cope with the feelings.

Actually, after realizing the reason behind the feeling, I became okay with the situation. So in learning about why I feel the way I do, I have become able to let Nerys be with her boyfriend and not begrudge her or him that time. Actually, I’m happy to give it now, since I understand my own issue. We’ve had one visit with the new perspective in place and it went really well. Nerys feels pretty tired after these visits, but hey, if you’re gonna be intimate with two men in one house over a weekend, well, being tired kinda comes with the territory.

Things have moved along very well since then. Real life still makes us too busy to do what we want to do, but I don’t know anybody that doesn’t feel that way. I can now talk with Nerys and her boyfriend, who is really our friend, very fairly and with no emotional discomfort. Do I still miss her when she’s spending alone time with him? Yes, I do. But I know what’s going on in my own mind, so I can be patient and find myself spending my time wisely, rather than in anger.

So, from here we live rather normal polyamorous lives.

Moving Along in the "Lifestyle"

2008-02-13T22:34:00.001-06:00

Those that participate in the swinging community refer to it as “The Lifestyle.” It is very much that. We have made a choice to behave differently than others and carry different attitudes than most do. Actually, the longer we have participated, the more we feel like the rest of the world is missing out on something wonderful.

But it isn’t always easy. After that first experience, we finally got together with “the boyfriend.” I’ll call him Touro. If he ever reads this, he’ll know why. No, it’s not the suggestive reason. Anyway, Nerys met Touro at the hotel they were going to spend the weekend in and picked him up to bring him to the restaurant that we were having dinner at. I was more worried about this part than anything else because I hadn’t met him yet.

However, much to my relief, they arrived safely. We spent most of the evening discussing normal life stuff. He’s from europe, so we talked about cultural things and experiences growing up. He’s also older than us, so we talked a bit about that. All in all, a regular dinner.

Nerys and I had discussed that she would go to the bathroom to give us a chance to talk “man to man” about the weekend. She and I had already put some rules into place, based on our swinging rules as well as what we felt would make the weekend safe. So she got up to go to the bathroom, but he and I kept talking about soccer.

I know (or knew) next to nothing about soccer, so it was very interesting for me to talk about. Nerys came back from the restroom and we hadn’t changed topics. She kinda looked at me, but the conversation continued.

The second trip to the bathroom was more to the point. He looked at me and said something about this being the point of no return. I agreed and asked him to abide by our rules. Basically, that came down to using condoms during intercourse and not hurting her. I was putting a lot of trust in this person I didn’t know. While I trust my wife completely, she is still going someplace with someone I don’t know at all. Forget about sex, I was just worried about her personal well being.

So eventually we all parted ways. I was pretty much a wreck all weekend. I had planned stuff to do, but I was so used to having Nerys around that I was freaking out pretty bad.

I say that now, during the actual weekend, I just spent the whole time being upset. I was so relieved to see my wife when she got home. We’d talked on the phone, but still, this was completely new for us and I was happy to see her okay. If something bad had happened, I don’t think I would ever forgive myself, even though everything was done with complete consent and understanding. She’s still my wife and I’m very protective of her, despite all my efforts to be gender neutral. I guess it doesn’t really matter, she’s very protective of me, too.

One thing I learned that weekend was that I hated her being away without me. This would become the subject of much angst in the future. But that gets us started on our road to polyamory.

The Real World

2008-01-24T22:17:00.001-06:00

So we have begun this journey. I call it that because many lessons have been learned, and it's much like traveling. You do something for a while, and then step back and look at it. You may decide that it was a good thing, you may decide it's a bad thing. Either way, you have day to day life to live with.

But it's not all been smooth sailing. I said we got started with a bit of reading. I told Nerys that I thought those ideas made sense. This was many years ago. At that time, all was not happy in our household. It's amazing how distant two people can be sleeping in the same bed next to one another. I know it goes on all the time. But still, when we look back, it amazes us we managed to get through it.

She took the conversation to be a threat and that I was interested in being with other women. Well, it wasn't meant that way. I really was being rather philosophical about the whole thing. I mean, sure, other women look nice. I'd hardly be male without feeling that way. But that wasn't really the point that I was after.

So, many hurt feelings and more stress ensued as the discussion continued. I dropped the matter. I didn't really change the way I felt, but I certainly wasn't going to hurt my wife by bringing it up. We had pretty much always said that if either of us cheated, the other would leave. No if's, and's, or but's. Just gone and clean you out with the judge.

That was until about a year ago. One evening we were hanging out and she asked me if I still felt the way I used to. Needless to say, I was pretty shocked. This was pretty much a dead topic for me. But our relationship had matured significantly during the interim, so it was something that we began to discuss.

Now, I've never been a really jealous kind of guy. But at the time Nerys was spending a lot of time online chatting with various people. It turns out that one of them was a guy she'd become quite attached to. Now this was strictly an online kind of thing, but they were spending a lot of time online together, so she felt like she knew him pretty well.

Anyway, I was a bit bothered by the idea that she kind of had a boy friend ready and waiting. But I didn't have any issues with the whole concept of loving others and being with others outside of our marriage. So we began a discussion of maybe taking things to the next level.

After a few days of discussion, I said that this must make us swingers. Nerys kind of took this and ran with it. When I came home the next day, she had us all signed up on a web site that caters to swingers meeting one another, and had even put together a profile. After looking at it a bit, like a week or so, I decided to pay up so we could receive full privileges.

With this, we met some new people online, and went to our first dinner. Talk about a freak out for the two of us. They were very nice and answered all our questions. But our newness was painfully present. The dinner was nice and we decided to maybe try and get together with them on a more "personal" level.

In the meantime, plans were being made for the boy friend to come and visit. He was going to stay in a hotel and Nerys was going to spend the weekend with him. A huge step. But she trusted him and we were going to all meet before she left with him. I'm still leery of how risky this was. But we made some precautionary plans, and things progressed.

We also accepted an invitation to meet a couple that lived very near us for dinner at their house. They are very experienced in the lifestyle and just wanted to meet the new people. Since we lived so close, it seemed cool. We had our dinner and got to talking about some of our fantasies. Well, one fantasy became reality that very evening. I won't go into the gory details (sorry, that's not what my blog's all about), but it was a wonderful experience.

My wife and I were one another's first time sexually. Kind of hard to believe, considering we met in college, but neither of us was that experimental when younger. She'd gone to third base with a few guys. I'd never even made it past first with anyone. Well, maybe on my way to second, but it was a pop fly with two outs, so the inning was over before I got there. (Honestly, I’d never even tried. I’ll probably discuss that in a later post.) It just wasn't something we wanted to do when we were younger.

That night with the people that live close, however, we moved much farther. We didn't full swap (that's complete intercourse switching partners), but we did pretty much everything short of that. For me, it was the first time I'd been in the same room with another naked woman besides my wife. It was the first time another man besides me had touched Nerys since we'd started dating in any kind of intimate way. So in many ways, this was a complete opening of the flood gates.

The best part was how much we enjoyed it and how comfortable it all felt. We left feeling happy and enriched about the whole experience. We had tested the waters and everything was warm and comfortable.

Now hindsight being what it is, we realize how lucky we were. Not all first experiences are so positive. We have heard many scary tails about the first time. But our was good and we were happy to be moving in the direction we were in.

Welcome to My World

2008-01-23T22:10:00.001-06:00

Okay, so like most people I'm writing a blog because I have something to say. In this case, it's more an ongoing discussion with myself, but if there are others that feel like I do, I guess it's for them, too.

So who am I? My name here is Adam. No it's not my real name. I am married. I'll call my wife Nerys. It's one of her favorite characters. We have been together as husband and wife for more than 10 years and a couple for more than 15. We don't have any kids. We recently decided to add others into our intimate lives. The popular word for this is swinging, but we also have what some would refer to as polyamorous leanings as well. Specifically, Nerys has a boy friend. He doesn't live in town and stays with us when he comes to visit.

We also have made some very close friends that are swingers. These are people that we hang out with as normal people and also have sex with. Generally there is more hanging out than sex, but mostly we do whatever whenever the mood strikes.

We got to this point by a very long and slow process. It started with some religious philosophy that I was reading about. The philosophy challenged the idea that just because one person in a marriage has sex with someone outside of the marriage, that the union was over. Many marriages end this way even though there is nothing else wrong. However, it did not underestimate the lack of lost trust when cheating has gone on. But keep in mind, then the issue is trust, not sex.

It also challenged the idea that adults are only capable of loving one other adult. People don't only love one of their children. Why should and are we expected to only truly love one other adult in our lives.

Realistically, we love more than one other adult in our lives. Family and friends fit into that category. However, I’m advocating taking it to the next level where physical love is allowed with the emotional love that people already feel.

Personally, I feel that if someone cares for someone else, they should be able to show that admiration and affection. Most would say there should be hard and fast limits. But why?

Please don't throw biblical verse in here at me. If we, as a society, actually practiced everything the bible says, we'd all be in a hurt. Especially those that aren't Christians. That's a non-argument, it's a faith and a set of rules that a person chooses to live by. If someone makes that choice, that’s fine. What my issue centers around is the societal expectations that everyone must follow.

So the next reason I hear thrown about is if anybody could do to anybody whatever they wanted, that would be chaos. Well, that's true. But let's move away from extremism and look at the real world.

Why shouldn't two adults be able to show in public that they genuinely care for one another? Our society has limited people to only showing genuine physical affection for one person. What is that doing for us? It's creating situations that are frustrating for everyone. There are no rules based on affectionate decency to one another using logic.

No, what actually happens, is that society picks and chooses what is acceptable, and what is not. I have a colleague at work that I admire and respect greatly. She does a job that I don't think I could ever do, and does it well. She is attractive (not in the swimsuit model way, in the deep and beautiful kind of way, although I’d love to see her in a swimsuit) and we have become good friends. I think that she probably feels attraction to me as well. But if I were to even take her hands in mine in a show of affection and admiration, I could get into all kinds of hell. Society has put a rule in place making that "wrong." I could very well loose my job.

But let me haul off and hit somebody because they pissed me off, well that's just a bad day.

I fit in the category of those that feel society has got it all bass ackwards. To make my point, go to the movies. You can see a rated R movie with all kinds of vivid violence in it. Almost anyone can get in. But make a movie with actual love making in it, and it gets rated X. You have to make it appear that people made love, can't actually show it. Chop a breast off, okay. Caress a breast, smut!

Am I the only one that thinks this is dumb? Well, my wife and I have decided to add more love to our lives, both physically and emotionally. So I'm here to tell our story.